Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
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me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency