Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
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Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner