If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
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Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
when the buffet is more honest than your date
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’