Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
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Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Straight people are cancelled
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.