If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
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I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
My work here is don’t.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons