Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
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The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.