COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
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*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem