[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
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[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.