….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
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me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Liquor Store Parking
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Don’t frighten the programmers!