me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
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Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Who knew!
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.