(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
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Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.