Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
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It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Introverted vegans go meetless
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
synchronized noseblowing
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed