Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
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“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I’m listening
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Aaaa…CHOO!
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
is this how new cars are made??
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.