Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
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You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Follow me for more recipes
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
sliding into dms like
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.