My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
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Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Never forget.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
i think we should see other cousins
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Me irl
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?