I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
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I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.