[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
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My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
*pokes sex life with a stick
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I will never stop laughing at this
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.