Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
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*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.