My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
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UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.