[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
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Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.