You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
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whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
*jazz hands*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted