My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
You Might Also Like
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.