COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
FINE, I WON’T.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions