What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
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To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
This guy’s not having it 😆
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.