Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
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4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…