My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
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*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear