Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
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*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.