HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
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[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
that de-escalated quickly
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.