My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
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I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
consequences, the bane of my existence
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.