cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
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One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Squid Game is so captivating because it鈥檚 about man鈥檚 greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it鈥檚 a drug deal. 馃槶
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Lmaoo 馃槀
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…