I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
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My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Bobby pin
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
(2022)
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.