*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
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*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.