I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”