I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
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I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Lmaoo 😂
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.