[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
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This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*