True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
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[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.