Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
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If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear