At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS