I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
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grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Did my cat write this
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again