[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
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The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers