It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
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God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I think this cat is broken
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.