Siri: Retweet me.
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Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now