It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Never let them know your next move 😂
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
what day is it?
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Good dog. ❤️
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO