An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
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The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.