I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
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Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Should I call tech support or pray or what
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Wake me when AI does housework
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.