Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
You Might Also Like
The most important meal of the day is the next one
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.