* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
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If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.