Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
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Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.