When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
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Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
🤣🤣🤣
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.