I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
You Might Also Like
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
#ProTip
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit